Some people believe that smartphones should be banned in secondary schools. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
This IELTS Writing Task 2 answer was marked Band 6.5 on the four official criteria. Its strongest criterion was Task Response (7); Coherence & Cohesion (6) held it back. The biggest single improvement: Make supporting examples more specific and credible: replace broad claims such as “many countries” and “many students in Vietnam” with a clear explanation of how phone use affects concentration or exercise.
How it was marked
| Criterion | Band | Why |
|---|---|---|
| Task Response | 7 | The essay presents a clear and consistent position in “I strongly agree with this view” and addresses two relevant reasons: reduced concentration and less physical activity. Both main ideas are explained, but the supporting examples, such as the claims about “many countries” and “many students in Vietnam”, are general and insufficiently specific to provide fully convincing development. |
| Lexical Resource | 6 | The essay uses a reasonably varied set of topic-related vocabulary, including “cognitive ability”, “sedentary lifestyle”, and “physical activities”. Nevertheless, several collocations and word choices are imprecise or repetitive, particularly “deprive students of their attention”, “make students become lazier”, and repeated forms of “smartphones” and “students”. |
| Grammatical Range & Accuracy | 6 | The response attempts a good range of structures, including subordinate clauses, participial phrases, and cause-and-effect constructions in sentences such as “if smart devices are allowed at schools”. However, noticeable grammatical errors occur in complex sentences, although they generally do not prevent the reader from understanding the meaning. |
| Coherence & Cohesion | 6 | The response has a clear four-paragraph structure, with “The first reason” and “Another reason” guiding the progression from one argument to the next. However, some sentences contain overloaded chains of ideas, and the repeated use of connectors such as “That is to say” and “As a consequence” is less natural than using clearer internal organisation. |
The answer
A learner answer, not a model answer — study what the marks reward, don't copy it.
Corrections from the marking
they are highly distracting and can deprive students of their attention while studying.
they are highly distracting and can divert students' attention while studying.
"Deprive students of their attention" is not a natural collocation; "divert students' attention" is the appropriate expression.
Most pupils at such young ages have yet to be fully developed in regard of cognitive ability as well as be able to understand the negative effects of smartphones; Therefore, they will be easily distracted and not be able to resist the urge to pick up their phones, distracting themselves from the lessons being taught in class.
Most pupils at such young ages have not yet fully developed their cognitive abilities or become able to understand the negative effects of smartphones; therefore, they will be easily distracted and unable to resist the urge to pick up their phones, distracting themselves from the lessons being taught in class.
The preposition in the fixed expression is "with regard to", and the two ideas after "have not yet" should use parallel verb forms.
For instance, after the Covid-19 pandemic, many students adopted the habit of scrolling their phones even during class, and this has led to the prohibition of mobile phones at school in many countries because they couldn't keep students focused while studying.
For instance, after the Covid-19 pandemic, many students adopted the habit of scrolling their phones even during class, and this has led to the prohibition of mobile phones at school in many countries because this habit made it difficult for students to stay focused while studying.
The pronoun "they" has an unclear and potentially illogical reference, so the cause should be stated explicitly.
such as playing sports or doing exercises.
such as playing sports or exercising.
"Exercise" is normally used as an uncountable activity in this meaning, so "exercising" is the natural collocation.
Before the ban of smartphones at school, many students in Vietnam were reported to be highly inactive and the number of individuals participating in sporting events was also surprisingly low compared to that of after the ban, showing how letting pupils use smart devices can bring such a negative effect to their lifestyles
Before the ban on smartphones at school, many students in Vietnam were reported to be highly inactive, and the number of individuals participating in sporting events was also surprisingly low compared with the number after the ban, showing how letting pupils use smart devices can bring such a negative effect to their lifestyles.
The comparison requires the noun phrase "the number after the ban", not "that of after the ban"; the sentence also needs a final full stop.
following the concern of them becoming inactive and not participating in sports or other physical activities.
given concerns that they may become inactive and stop participating in sports or other physical activities.
"Following" incorrectly suggests a time sequence rather than a reason, and the revised phrase expresses the intended cause clearly.
How this answer could score higher
- Make supporting examples more specific and credible: replace broad claims such as “many countries” and “many students in Vietnam” with a clear explanation of how phone use affects concentration or exercise.
- Improve complex-sentence accuracy by rewriting structures such as “have yet to be fully developed in regard of cognitive ability as well as be able” as “have not yet fully developed their cognitive abilities or learned to control their phone use.”
- Use more natural collocations and reduce repetition: replace “deprive students of their attention” with “divert students’ attention” and “make students become lazier” with “make students less active.”
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