Some people believe that smartphones should be banned in secondary schools. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
This IELTS Writing Task 2 answer was marked Band 5.5 on the four official criteria. Its strongest criterion was Task Response (5.5); Coherence & Cohesion (5) held it back. The biggest single improvement: Develop the school-specific argument: explain how supervised use, phone-free tests, and classroom rules could provide the benefits of smartphones without allowing distraction.
How it was marked
| Criterion | Band | Why |
|---|---|---|
| Task Response | 5.5 | The position is clear in "I completely disagree with this", and the response gives relevant reasons concerning access to information and parental guidance. However, the discussion is only partly developed, focuses on parents and children generally rather than school policy, and does not sufficiently explain how smartphones could be used responsibly in secondary schools. |
| Lexical Resource | 5.5 | The essay uses some relevant vocabulary, including "new technologies", "current news and updates", and "vulnerable", but it relies heavily on repeated words such as "smartphones", "kids", and "knowledge". Several collocations and word choices are inaccurate or informal, including "huge population of people", "in a right way", and "wrong purpose", although the overall meaning remains clear. |
| Grammatical Range & Accuracy | 5 | The response attempts complex structures, especially in "Parents should understand the perks of using smartphones, but...", and it communicates its main message despite errors. However, frequent problems with articles, prepositions, agreement, pronouns, punctuation, and sentence boundaries reduce accuracy, particularly in the long middle sentence. |
| Coherence & Cohesion | 5 | The response has a recognisable progression from opinion to supporting reasons and a conclusion, with links such as "For example" and "In conclusion". However, nearly the whole argument is presented as one very long paragraph, and repeated linking phrases such as "rather than" and "hence" do not create a clear, well-controlled progression. |
The answer
A learner answer, not a model answer — study what the marks reward, don't copy it.
Corrections from the marking
There is indeed a huge population of people who are against smartphones for their kids
There are many parents who oppose their children having smartphones
"Population of people" is imprecise here, and "oppose their children having smartphones" is the more natural expression.
I completely disagree with this ,because
I completely disagree with this, because
There should be no space before the comma.
by the usage of smartphones
through the use of smartphones
"Through the use of" is the natural collocation for describing the means by which something happens.
technologies that are being implemented if they use it in a right manner .
technologies that are being implemented if they use them in a right manner.
The plural noun "smartphones" requires the plural pronoun "them", and there should be no space before the full stop.
By smartphones
Through smartphones
The preposition "through" is required to express the means by which students gain access to information.
By smartphones students can have knowledge of what's going on in the world
Through smartphones, students can gain knowledge about what is happening in the world
"By smartphones" is not a natural collocation, and "gain knowledge" is more precise than "have knowledge" in this context.
rather than sticking to the textbooks or school curriculum
rather than relying solely on textbooks or the school curriculum
"Relying solely on" expresses the intended contrast more precisely than the informal metaphor "sticking to."
Parents should understand the perks of using smartphones
Parents should understand the benefits of using smartphones
"Perks" is relatively informal, whereas "benefits" is more appropriate for an academic essay.
How this answer could score higher
- Develop the school-specific argument: explain how supervised use, phone-free tests, and classroom rules could provide the benefits of smartphones without allowing distraction.
- Organise the essay into clear paragraphs, with one main reason per body paragraph and precise links instead of joining most ideas in one long paragraph.
- Improve grammatical accuracy in long sentences, especially articles, pronouns, agreement, and sentence boundaries; for example, change "by the usage of smartphones students" to "through the use of smartphones, students".
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