Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
This IELTS Writing Task 2 answer was marked Band 6.5 on the four official criteria. Its strongest criterion was Task Response (7); Grammatical Range & Accuracy (6) held it back. The biggest single improvement: Improve grammatical accuracy in basic high-frequency structures: write "primarily responsible," "shrug off," "a crucial role to play," "our daughter" and "an even better job" instead of the forms used in "primary responsible," "shrugg off," "role to play in too," "out daughter" and "better job."
How it was marked
| Criterion | Band | Why |
|---|---|---|
| Task Response | 7 | The essay addresses both views and presents a clear opinion that schools should be primarily responsible, as stated in "I believe schools should be primary responsible for this." The main ideas are relevant and supported, although the parents' viewpoint and the comparison between parental and school influence could be developed in greater depth. |
| Lexical Resource | 6 | The essay uses a reasonably varied and appropriate range, including phrases such as "structured way of teaching," "child psychology," and "embracing diversity." However, several spelling, word-formation and collocation problems, including "responsibile," "reconcilation" and "classroom etiquettes," reduce precision and prevent a higher band. |
| Grammatical Range & Accuracy | 6 | The writer attempts a useful range of structures, including relative clauses, contrast clauses and rhetorical questions, as in "These ways are designed by experts who understand child psychology well" and "although my wife and I wanted...". Nevertheless, errors in articles, prepositions, word forms, agreement and sentence construction occur regularly, although they rarely prevent understanding. |
| Coherence & Cohesion | 7 | The response is logically organised into an introduction, school-focused paragraphs, a parents-focused paragraph and a conclusion, with a generally clear progression from one idea to the next. Cohesive devices such as "Moreover," "However," and "In a nutshell" are used effectively overall, although some references such as "on this" are repetitive or unclear. |
The answer
A learner answer, not a model answer — study what the marks reward, don't copy it.
Corrections from the marking
However, people have diverse opinions when it comes to determining who should be primarily responsibile for laying such a strong foundation of values for children - parents or schools?
However, people have diverse opinions when it comes to determining who should be primarily responsibile for laying such a strong foundation of values for children: parents or schools.
This is an indirect question within a statement, so it requires a full stop rather than a question mark; a colon appropriately introduces the alternatives.
who should be primarily responsibile for laying such a strong foundation of values for children - parents or schools?
who should be primarily responsible for laying such a strong foundation of values for children - parents or schools?
"Responsibile" is a spelling error; the correct spelling is "responsible".
I believe schools should be primary responsible for this.
I believe schools should be primarily responsible for this.
The adverb "primarily" is needed to modify the adjective "responsible".
However, it does not mean that parents simply shrugg off and walk away from this responsibility.
However, it does not mean that parents simply shrug off and walk away from this responsibility.
"Shrugg" is misspelled; the phrasal verb is "shrug off".
They have a crucial role to play in too.
They have a crucial role to play in it too.
The preposition "in" needs an object, so the pronoun "it" must be included.
These ways are designed by experts who understand child psychology well.
These approaches are designed by experts who understand child psychology well.
"Approaches" is more precise and natural than the vague expression "these ways" in this context.
I have personally experienced this with my 8 years old daughter in Canada.
I have personally experienced this with my 8-year-old daughter in Canada.
Age used as a compound adjective before a noun takes a singular form and hyphens: "8-year-old daughter".
Her teacher did a fantastic job of explaining her about embracing diversity, inclusion, love and respect for nature, and reconcilation with indigenous communities etc. through story telling, fun activities, group work, sports, and classroom etiquettes.
Her teacher did a fantastic job of explaining to her about embracing diversity, inclusion, love and respect for nature, and reconcilation with indigenous communities, etc., through story telling, fun activities, group work, sports, and classroom etiquettes.
The verb "explain" takes the preposition "to" before the person receiving the explanation.
How this answer could score higher
- Improve grammatical accuracy in basic high-frequency structures: write "primarily responsible," "shrug off," "a crucial role to play," "our daughter" and "an even better job" instead of the forms used in "primary responsible," "shrugg off," "role to play in too," "out daughter" and "better job."
- Develop the comparison between parents and schools more explicitly by explaining why schools provide more systematic, expert and consistent instruction, while parents reinforce values through daily modelling.
- Replace vague or unnatural phrases with precise collocations: change "classroom etiquettes" to "classroom etiquette," "resonate with us" to "agree with us," and repeated "on this" references to specific phrases such as "this kind of moral education."
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