Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and other measures are required. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
This IELTS Writing Task 2 answer was marked Band 5.5 on the four official criteria. Its strongest criterion was Task Response (6); Grammatical Range & Accuracy (5) held it back. The biggest single improvement: Develop the alternative-measures argument with concrete policies beyond "health awareness," such as health education, taxes on unhealthy products, and preventive healthcare, and explain how each improves public health.
How it was marked
| Criterion | Band | Why |
|---|---|---|
| Task Response | 6 | The essay addresses both views and gives a clear opinion, particularly in the statement that "sports facilities can improve public health but the more important thing is to improve people’s health awareness." However, the ideas are only partly developed, and the discussion of alternative measures remains limited mainly to "health awareness" rather than explaining several concrete policies. |
| Lexical Resource | 5 | The essay uses some relevant topic vocabulary, including "public health," "health awareness," and "physical problems," and the meaning is generally understandable. However, frequent awkward collocations, word-form problems, and repetition limit precision, as shown by expressions such as "sportive facilities" and "propaganda the importance of health." |
| Grammatical Range & Accuracy | 5 | There is some range of sentence structures, including subordinate clauses beginning with "This is because" and "Although," but grammatical errors are frequent throughout the response. These errors do not usually prevent understanding, although they reduce accuracy and sometimes make the intended meaning awkward. |
| Coherence & Cohesion | 6 | The response has a clear four-paragraph structure, and the progression from the first view to the opposing view and then to the conclusion is easy to follow. Cohesion is sometimes mechanical, with linking phrases such as "On the one hand," "On the other hand," and "Consequently" doing most of the organisational work and with repeated references to facilities and health. |
The answer
A learner answer, not a model answer — study what the marks reward, don't copy it.
Corrections from the marking
should be increased for improving people’s health
should be increased to improve people’s health
Use the infinitive "to improve" to express the purpose of increasing the number of facilities.
the more important thing is to improve people’s health awareness
the more important thing is to raise people’s health awareness
“Raise awareness” is the standard collocation for increasing people’s understanding of an issue.
we cannot denying the fact
we cannot deny the fact
After the modal verb "cannot", use the base form "deny", not the -ing form.
it is a great way to strengthen people’s body health by installing more sports facilities
it is a great way to improve people’s physical health by installing more sports facilities
“Strengthen people’s body health” is an unnatural collocation; “improve physical health” is the precise expression.
they can provide more possibilities for individuals to do exercises
they can provide individuals with more opportunities to exercise
“Opportunities to exercise” is the natural collocation, while “possibilities to do exercises” is inaccurate and awkward.
When governments increase a variety of sportive facilities, individuals can have access to use them.
When governments increase a variety of sports facilities, individuals can have access to use them.
“Sports facilities” is the established term; “sportive facilities” is not idiomatic in this context.
individuals can have access to use them
individuals can have access to them
The noun "access" is followed by "to" and a noun or pronoun, not by an infinitive in this structure.
some people attempt to improve their health but going to a gym is unaffordable for them
some people attempt to improve their health but find going to a gym unaffordable for them
The second part must form a parallel verb structure with "attempt"; "but going" incorrectly creates an unconnected clause.
How this answer could score higher
- Develop the alternative-measures argument with concrete policies beyond "health awareness," such as health education, taxes on unhealthy products, and preventive healthcare, and explain how each improves public health.
- Correct recurring grammar patterns, especially forms such as "we cannot denying" and "encourage to individuals," by checking verb forms after auxiliaries and using correct verb patterns.
- Use natural academic collocations consistently: replace "sportive facilities," "strengthen people’s body health," and "propaganda the importance" with "sports facilities," "improve physical health," and "promote awareness of the importance."
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